Thursday, January 18, 2007

Co-dependence

I have heard a lot lately about the need for independence, or rather, the evils of co-dependence. It's like a catch-all phrase that implies that a true relationship is one where no one is hurt if one partner decides to end it. It seems that the current pop psychology viewpoint is that a relationship is not a good relationship unless both people are entirely independent. This strikes me as saying that a good relationship is one where two people just happen to live in the same house together.

I believe that co-dependence is not the evil beast that some would portray it as. It used to be the case the families were very co-dependent - they were dependent on each other (parents, children, spouses) and they were dependent on the community. But there were particular roles here that meant that women, especially, were unable to leave a bad relationship. Here's where independence is necessary. Women (and men) should have the means to leave a bad relationship. Thus, I understand the push for independence. I also understand why, in some circumstances, co-dependence is bad - because it means that one person is unable to leave the relationship, even when it is in their best interest to do so.

What I don't understand is the idea that, therefore, any form of co-dependence is bad. I believe that a truly loving relationship is co-dependent by its very nature. Two loving people rely on each other - for support, for someone to talk to, for someone to turn to for help, for love, for simple companionship. This is not a bad thing. In fact, I think that it is a necessary thing. If you cannot depend on someone you love for these things, then is it truly love? And this does not apply just to a relationship between partners, but also with parents and true friends. Why is it not co-dependence to rely on your parents for these things, but it is if you expect the same from your partner?

No, co-dependence is not evil. But labeling someone in a loving relationship as co-dependent, like it is a fatal flaw, is.